Not Normal Yet

5 weeks. It's been 5 weeks since Levi was born. I figured I'd surely be back to "normal" by this point. I was wrong. It has been a crazy 5 weeks. I was hoping to be running at least 2 miles by this point. I'm not. I'm running a good, oh 90 seconds at a time. I'm not back into all of my pre-pregnancy pants yet. I still have some extra "Levi weight" following me around. I don't ever get enough sleep. I constantly smell like formula and baby. There are times that I have to wonder what were we thinking?!?!? The thing is, I'm okay with that. I've spent the last 5 weeks caring for a boy that has changed my world and taught me how to love and care for someone without the "what about me" question lingering in my mind. I'm excited because I am running a little. I'm having to really listen to my body, it tells me when to quit, which is sometimes much sooner than I'd like. I can't get into all of my pants yet, and I still have some extra weight, but I feel better. I feel better than I have in months. I'm starting to eat better again, and get back to the basics on a lot of things. I'm trying to remind John how thankful I am for him and how much I love him. He's made all of this so much easier. So, hopefully in 5 more weeks I'll be back to my old "normal" but for now, I'm really enjoying my new "normal".

Made to Crave

I've written about this book before, but I'm at it again, so I figured that I'd write about it again.

For any lady out there that fights the battle with food, I highly recommend that you read Made to Crave. My husband bought me this book about a year ago, and let me tell you, I was greatly offended. I thought that it was so rude of him. I didn't need a diet book! As I got into it I started to realize that this book was not about another fad diet. This book was about my journey with the Lord. The author, Lysa, talks about changing our lifestyles so that fill our voids with God, not with food. The more that I read out of this book, the more that I realized that she knew. This gal seriously understood about my battle with food. I run to food all the time, when I'm happy, sad, stressed, celebrating, and any emotion in between. I can always find a reason for "just one bite". Where in that am I turning to the Lord? I have a food addiction. I crave food to meet my emotional needs. This is not healthy. My cravings need to be for the Lord. I need to have a desire to get on my knees and turn to Him, not McDonald's. God gave me, ME, this body. If I don't care for it, who will? I have to care for it so that I can care for Levi. My food choices have not been healthy, they have not made me care for this body as God has always cared for me.

At four weeks postpartum I've decided to pick up the book and begin my journey again. I'm making a commitment to start trusting His strength instead of my own. I'm going to turn to Him in times of need, not to a bowl of Blue Bell. So readers, I'm asking you to please pray for me. There will be hard times, and there will be tears. Yes, I will cry having to pass up french fries at some point. In the end, being able to crave the Lord will be so worth it!

1 Month

Levi's 1 month old today! He has had such a big first month! We've spent 21 days in NICU and 10 at home. Levi is 19 inches long and weighs 5 pounds 14 ounces. In the past few days he has become much more alert and loves to watch everybody work! He spends time in his bouncy seat and makes googly eyes at the nurses all day long. Levi loves it when John talks to him. If someone else is holding him and hears John, he'll whip his head around to see him. Music helps to calm him down and get to sleep. Any kind of music, it doesn't matter. Today we also got the BEST blood work results that we've had yet! It has been one of the hardest/best months of my life, and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. We go home on Monday, so hopefully the next month will be a little less busy than this first month.

Levi doing one of his favorite things- eating!

Family picture taken yesterday, don't judge, a nurse took it with my cell phone!

Bravo Zulu, Sir

On Thursday I had a voicemail from John's dad saying to tell John to bring a suit to the Carson Christmas party, things weren't looking good with Grandpa. Okay, I thought 'Well, anything's possible'. I got this call around 11am. Later that afternoon I get a call from my sister-in-law letting me know that Grandpa Carson has passed away. My brain immediately went into overdrive, as it tends to do when I'm freaking out. When John finally got off of work around 3:30 he had already been called by one of his brothers and his sister telling him the news. By the time I got to talk to him we were just trying to figure out our plan of attack. We decided that it would be best for John to come to KC that night, then we would both head to Omaha for the weekend. Thankfully, he made it here safely and he got to see Levi.

Friday morning John and I headed to Omaha. We left Levi in KC at the hospital. I was a hot mess! As odd as this sounds, we had a wonderful weekend. It was a good service and Grandpa would have been happy that we were all there. We had our family Christmas party, as planned, Saturday night. We had such a good time. As we were standing around our aunt's house laughing and telling jokes and having a good time I realized how lucky we were to have each other. There's a lot of love, laughter, tears, anger and hope. There's a family, a place where we all fit. There's 88 of us when we're all there and we owe it all to Grandpa Carson. He started this family and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

Saturday we mourned Grandpa Carson, today we buried Commander Carson. It was a beautiful military burial, simple and sweet. He gave his life to this country and his family. He was a good man. Bravo Zulu, Commander, may we honor your legacy and live up to the Carson name.

But once they actually say it...

We've known in the back of our minds that at some point Levi will have to have a new kidney. How far off was always the question. A big part of me thought that maybe once he got here, the damage to his kidney would be less than anticipated, and we could wait a good 15-20 years before we had to look at transplant. Today the APRN at the hospital actually said the words "kidney transplant" out loud. Well that changes everything. Now it's a reality. We're still looking at a couple of years down the road, as his body will have to be big enough for an adult sized kidney. We will probably have months, or years of dialysis before transplant. I realize that kidney transplants are one of the easiest, most routine things to do, but forgive me for not being excited about it.

I hate the fact that my baby is sick. I hate that he'll never get to play football or baseball. I hate that he'll be on medicine for the rest of his life. I hate the fact that all of my organs work just fine, and I've used and abused most of them, and my baby, who should be perfect, was born with his organs fighting against each other. I hate that I can protect him from so much, except for his own body. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for this.

I really wish that we were at home, decorating the Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music, going to the mall to shop and walk, getting ready to head back to work. I wish that our sense of normality and routine did not involve a hospital. I wish that my friends were the ones that we were spending time with, the ones that were getting to know him, instead of a team of doctors and nurses.

I'm thankful that we have all of this. That we're in a place that can give him this care. I'm glad that there's something that they can do, even if it's just to make him more comfortable. I know that God is protecting Levi and watching over him, and us, and I'm grateful for that.

5 pounds!

I can't believe it! Our tiny boy broke the 5 pound mark today! Tonight he weighed in at 5lbs 1oz. Considering when we got here on Thursday night he was 4lbs 10oz, I'm very excited!

On a negative note, we are back in the NICU. Thursday we went in for a routine pediatricians appointment which for Levi, always involves blood work. His blood work did not look good. The electrolytes were way out of wack. For a kid with one kidney and chronic renal failure, this signals to the doctor that the kidney is failing. Off to KC we go. Once we got here everything happened so quickly. They started running labs again and scheduling ultrasounds and getting him all checked out again. Come to find out, he has a uti. This is not good because that means that the antibiotic that he was on for his reflux was not doing the job. Once we got the labs back, we found out that the infection was actually in his bloodstream as well. This infection is similar to an E. coli bacteria. It can be common in kids with the reflux and hydronephrosis. Tomorrow they are going to do a spinal tap to make sure that the infection has not spread to his spinal column or his brain. If it has, the course of action is still the same, it just extends the process 11 days. His little body has done such a great job of fighting the infection. The doctors all kept asking us what signs of infection he was showing and the truth is- NONE! His body was fighting so hard against the infection, that it kept it at bay for days. It only truly showed itself once he got here and they pulled him off of his routine antibiotic and started letting new medicines and IV's do the work for him. Turns out, this infection is what was throwing his electrolyte levels off, and what was causing him to not gain any weight for a week. They have also put him on some mineral supplements to try to get his electrolyte levels back on track. So far, they need to work harder, but we're making steps in the right direction. The procedure on discharge for him is that he has to finish all of the antibiotics, get his electrolyte levels back in order, go two days with no signs of infection in his blood or urine, then be under observation for a few more days, then we'll be discharged. This comes out to 10-25 days. We're hoping to be home by Christmas. There's so much to tell about what's going on and how we're adjusting to life with a chronically ill kid. It's frustrating and scary to know that every time he gets the smallest germy bug, it could land him right back here. This is all part of our journey with Levi. We knew when he was still in utero that there was a good chance this would be our life once he was here. I hoped and prayed that this would not be the case, but God chose differently. I'm amazed that he trusts me to handle Levi. That God has given us HIS strength to make it through these trying times with Levi. I am so blessed to have a God and husband that trust me and empower me to be a good Mom to him.

Listening to music with Daddy today

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Levi's 2 week doctor's appointment, and I have to say, I am not looking forward to it. I HATE having a chronically ill kid. I hate the fact that tomorrow is the first appointment in a long line of appointments that will require ultrasounds, blood work, and painful things for my little man. I also hate that he grows slower than most other kids, so I'll get lectured about that, and that we're going to have to attempt to find a new formula for him because the one that we're on we can't get here in town. I know that God gave us Levi because He knows that we can handle everything, but right now I feel like a run-down mama, not an empowered one. I need prayers for tomorrow. I'll update his stats and such later this week. Also, I have a friend that was expecting her baby girl on Monday, and she's still not here. Pray that she comes on her own before the doctors have to serve her with an eviction notice (induction).

Birthday Week

Today officially started Birthday Week! We have 3 birthdays in my family in a week's time span. My dad is TODAY 11/26, my sister, Mary is 11/27 and I'm Monday 11/28. People always ask us if we mind sharing our birthdays, and truthfully, we don't! It's always been fun to celebrate together and enjoy the time with each other. Last year was hard because it was the first time that we weren't with each other. None of us were together. I was in Kansas, Dad was in Texas, and Mary was in Afghanistan. This year will be nice to have Mary here with me. Another very important birthday this week is my best friend, Kelsey! I know we fit together because she's in birthday week, too. I am so thankful for all of these people that have touched my lives and that I'm lucky enough to celebrate Birthday Week with! God has blessed me with so much this year, I cannot wait to see what this coming year has in store for us!

Also happening on Monday, Levi turns two weeks old! I can't believe that he's already been here that long! We had our one week check up last week and he's already back up to 4lbs 12oz. This week we both have appointments, I have one to check on my incision and Levi has his two week check up. I'm fairly certain that my appointment will be smooth sailing, I'm feeling great and the incision is looking good! Unfortunately, I think that little Levi will rarely have "just a check up". This week we're looking at a renal ultrasound, a hip ultrasound, and getting blood drawn for labs. They're look at his renal system to see if things are still looking okay there, his hips to see if they're out of place, and labs to check his creatine levels again. Please, pray for his renal system above all other things. If it looks like there is increased back-up due to the reflux, or if something looks enlarged, I fear that they may send us back to the hospital. With breech babies, sometimes their hips are popped out of the socket because of their legs being crossed and curled up for so long. If they find this on the hip ultrasound they'll have to pop them back into place. The blood work is hopefully going to find that all of his levels look good and we can go about our merry way. God has been so good to us, and I know that at some point we will have to face "scary" days again, but I pray that those days are not this week!

Levi is Here!

Levi Douglas was born on 11-14-2011 at 7:40am. He weighed in at 4 pounds 15 ounces.

We've spent the week in Kansas City at Children's Mercy Hospital making sure that his renal system is working, and we are hoping to be released tomorrow. He has done great. Here are some pictures of him this week. I will post more on our "adventures" here and the results of everything soon. I have to say that through all of this, one thing is perfectly clear, God is great!

Negative

Forewarning, this is a negative post...

I'm getting sick. I'm tired. I'm done being pregnant. My house is a mess. All I want are snacks, ny-quil, sleep, and a maid. The end.

36 Weeks/Carson's Go Cloth

Well we've hit the 36 week mark! Technically we should have 4 weeks left, but in all actuality, we have a week. Levi's little kidney still isn't doing what we want it to, so we're having him at 37 weeks. We decided that we would rather deal with him being small than risk something happening to that kidney. This week we have a lot to do to prepare for Levi, yet I have no idea where to start! i know that i would really like to get the house cleaned. Although this seems to always be something that I want to do, it's something that I never really have enough motivation to do! I did get some organizational stuff done yesterday, that was good.

As for the Carson's go cloth part of this blog post, we got our stash of cloth diapers! At least the first part of our stash. We've decided to cloth diaper based on a few factors. Disposable diapers gross John out. He HATES them. He has had some gross experiences with them. Another factor is the cost. To cloth diaper will cost us about $200 total. This can get us through 2 or 3 kids. Disposables can cost us to $2000 per child. Since we plan on having more kids, we will come out ahead. Something else that influenced our decision was the fact that it won't cost us anymore in laundry. We have an HE washer and dryer, so an extra load every two days won't make a difference. We had been discussing cloth diapering for a few weeks and then I met someone who cloth diapers in real life. These people are few and far between! once we got to talking she showed me a few tricks of the trade, then ended up GIVING me her entire newborn stash! This means that until he hits 18 lbs, I probably won't have to buy anything. We will be what I call a "hybrid family", meaning that there will be occasions that we use disposables. These will be times when we are traveling somewhere where we won't have access to laundry facilities. Also, when we use the daycare at the YMCA, I'm not sure what their guidelines are on cloth diapers. I will get some pictures taken soon of our diapers (probably once he gets here) and I'll post more information on the type of diapers that we got. I am very excited about cloth diapering, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask them, I'll try to get them answered as quickly as possible!

So many goals, so little time!

Since our whole life is about to change in 3-5 weeks, we've been talking a lot about our goals for the coming year. I know that a lot of people are thinking "hello, you're having a baby?!?!". Yes, we are. We also are smart enough to know that we still have to keep doing things for ourselves.

*Get back to running. John and I are both good runners when we put our minds to it. I have to work a lot harder at it to keep up with him, but I can do it! I would love to run a half next October. This progress will be something else to blog about!

*Keep our house clean. We love the idea of a clean house, but not the work that goes into it.

*Eat healthier. With the potential health problems of Levi, we know that we need to start eating healthier now, to help him avoid things later.

*Go hunting. This is John's goal. The deal is that if he, by himself gets an 8-10pt buck in the next year, he can have it mounted, in the house. He may even start on completing this goal on Sunday. Don't worry, I'll update you if he does!

*Travel more. Two reasons, visit family and friends, and for races. The deal is that whomever is running at least a half-marathon gets to pick one out of state race a year to go to (within reason). OKC doesn't count, since I think we'll always go to that one. If John picks one in AZ, then we all go, and I have to watch baby. If I pick one in IL, we all go, John watches baby. Seems fair!

*Focus. We've let our walks with God slip lately. Don't get me wrong, we're still in awe of everything he does, and how he's protected Levi and I. We also realize that we could benefit from spending A LOT more alone time with Him.

*Bake healthier. I love the idea of being a whole foods junkie. Here in a town with no whole foods stores, that can get rough. I know that if we stick with it, it will be better for everybody. The trick is going to be getting it all on a budget!

We had a really good doctor's appointment yesterday. Baby will be here within 3-5 weeks. I can't believe that! I get to start working out again, build up mileage slowly. She thinks that if I start walking now (maybe jog a little), I can be walking with the intent to run right after birth. This is exciting. In two weeks I can start working more hours again too. We did find out that she's not going to let him go past 39 weeks, because his risks of his kidney failing increase. His body will overwork itself, and we could face problems. Go back on Friday for an NST, think positive thoughts!

34 Weeks

WE DID IT!!!!! Sorry for all the exclamation points, I hate it when people (me) do that! We've made it 34 weeks, as of tomorrow. This is huge. This means that if we go into preterm labor again, we can have Levi here in town! I'm having to resist the urge to get up and do a happy dance. Forget it, happy dance done!

We had our first real fall and cold days this week! The fall days were great, the day it didn't get above 35* until after noon was even better!

This week I feel like I got quite a bit of housekeeping items done. The nesting phase is here for sure. It's odd how it's happening though. First, I had to get Levi's room completely ready to go. It's cleaned and organized, except for carpets being shampooed and vacuumed. That's something that John will have to do because it requires odd angles of stomach bending that I just can't do anymore! Then I got my car cleaned out. If you've seen my car in the past two months, you know this in itself was a huge accomplishment. The only part of that left to do is to vacuum it all and wash the windows. Part of which, once again, John will have to help me with. I also (finally) got a diaper bag this week! If you have ever had to shop for a diaper bag then you know that there's a lot that goes into it. You have to have something big enough to hold everything, but small enough to take places. You have to decide if this will also be your purse for the next 2 years, or if this is strictly the diaper bag. Does dad need to like it enough to carry it too? How much are you willing to spend? This was the biggest deciding factor for me. I found tons of bags that I loved, but they ranged from $55-300. No matter how cute the bag was, I wasn't willing to spend that kind of money on something that risked getting poop on it. I also knew that I didn't want to get a cheapo-depot one from WalMart because of how quickly they fall apart. I ended up finding this SkipHop one online and fell in love with it!

One of the most appealing factors about it was you can remove the shoulder strap and it clips right onto your stroller handle. This is great because then you're not having to get under the stroller every time you need something from it. I'm planning on using this as my purse when I'm out with Levi, so having the option of having my stuff within reach was great! The best part of this bag was the price. I found it online for about $60. More than I wanted to spend. Then, I was in Target and they had it on sale for $35! I was stoked! This was much more budget friendly. To make things even better, I had gift cards that paid for the majority of it. Now the bag is in my nursery with stuff in it. Only thing left to do there is to cut the tags off. If you know me, my buyers remorse usually gets the best of me, so I'm waiting until that passes before I cut the tags off. Or, John will cut them off for me so I can't return things. My next goal is to get my living room purged of everything that I don't need. I mean everything. Extra dishes, books, fabric. Everything. Then to get the living room carpets vacuumed and shampooed (thank you, John, for volunteering to do that).

We also had our first weekly NST this week, and it went great! Levi let them find his heartbeat, he kicked a ton, and made me sick with all the movement. I couldn't have asked for better results! Next week we have our first BPP and we're praying that goes just as well.

I think this is the last bit of news for this week, I got to go back to work part-time! Woo-hoo! I can't sit still long enough to not be doing something, so work was a really great way to break up the monotony of the days. I'm back at the YMCA now, and I can't believe that I ever left! I love seeing all of the members, staff and my friends again. For November I get to actually be on the schedule again, I feel like a real staff member! I'm also excited to start working out again once Levi gets here. Fingers crossed that on Tuesday doctor will tell me that things look good enough that I can start walking a mile or so each day, now. I hope so!

Okay, I think that's everything for this week. I'll try to get another post out after the doctor on Tuesday. We'll have a lot more information on stuff then. Oh, also, pictures of my Halloween fun-fetti cake coming soon! I love cake time!

Picture Post

So... I believe that the nursery is now DONE! The only thing that we will still be putting in is a rocking chair, but it's still being finished. I was also very excited because today at Target I found a crib sheet that has trains, planes, and cars on it! Here are the pictures from today.

Changing table that my wonderful mother-in-law and sisters-in-law gave to us. Also, got enough diapers to last about the first week or so :)

He's going to be one well dressed little baby!

32 Weeks

We've made it to 32 weeks! This is such a huge accomplishment considering Levi's been trying to escape since 27 weeks. I feel so lucky to still feel him moving and kicking inside of me. The doctor's next goal is 34 weeks, I'm shooting for 36 weeks. Since we'll make it to 34 weeks, we can have him here in town! This is huge. We had another doctor's appointment yesterday, and Levi was actually pretty good. He let them get almost all of the views that they needed to. Then they went to get a picture of his heart. They've been trying to get a good picture of his heart since 17 weeks. The doctor had it lined up perfectly, then he got the hiccups. We couldn't help but laugh. Another piece of good news, he's still measuring small, but he's up to the 25 percentile! This is a huge improvement from the 15th that he was at. He's estimated weight is at 3lbs 5oz. The average weight at this point is about 3.75lbs. This means that he's only about half a pound behind, which is great! Starting at 34 weeks we'll go in twice a week for tests and appointments, just to make sure he's still doing good. We'll have NST (non-stress tests) every Friday, starting next Friday. Then every Tuesday we'll have BPP tests. I wish that I could explain how happy I am that we've come this far, but words don't seem to do it justice.

We had a shower at church this weekend and it was so wonderful. We are truly blessed by these people and this place. I was surprised at how many people were there! It was one of the first co-ed showers at the church and it went so well. Here is my favorite picture, John modeling the baby gear!

I think that John had more fun than I did. He hammed it up completely. Tried on most of the hats, tried to give some of the other guys the burp rags, etc. I am so blessed to have him!

Back to normal

I know that my idea of 'normal' pre-pregnancy will not be the same 'normal' once Levi is born and home. There are a few things though that I am looking forward to doing (or not doing) once again.

-Running. I so badly miss the early mornings when I would roll out of bed, meet my running partner and we'd walk the first half a mile while complaining about how much we hated running and early mornings. Once we were both at work later that day, there was nothing better than getting to brag about how much further we'd run this time than last, or how much quicker we were getting. Feeling better about ourselves and spending time with God in those early mornings made it all worthwhile!

-Sleeping. On my stomach. Every night.

-Jeans. I cannot wait until I'm back in my regular jeans. I can hear them calling my name, they want me, and I want them. They fit like a glove and I know how they're going to fit. I know what shirts go best, and what's not so flattering with them.

-Baby. Sometimes, it still feels like Levi is just an idea. I cannot wait until he's here and the idea is a reality.

-Wine. I miss having a glass of good wine or a drink with my family and friends. Not getting slammed or anything, but just being able to enjoy a drink over a meal.

-Eating. I get the oddest cravings and I'm ready to not have them anymore. I'm ready to be able to talk myself out of a sandwich or an extra snack, knowing that I'll be okay without it. At this point, I'm not always sure that Levi's okay without it.

-Friends. When I'm not on bed rest I'm going to LBK to see my friends, like I used to get to every week. Best part, Levi gets to come too!

I have really enjoyed this pregnancy for the most part. I am so excited to have the tiny blessing of Levi in my arms soon. I am still in awe that God has given me the opportunity to be his mama. I cannot wait.

Side note- verse of the day today really made me stop and think. "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as it fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" Ephesians 4:29

Sinful Sunday

Today's recipe is a recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies. This recipe is one that I got from a co-worker and in our house we LOVE it! It's super easy and it makes more cookies than a usual recipe. Today it was made by my husband, John. It was a great treat!

1 c. softened shortening
3/4 c. brown sugar, firmly packed
1 tsp. vanilla
2 c. all-purpose flour
1 tsp. salt
3/4 c. granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. water
2 eggs
1 tsp. baking soda
12 oz. chocolate chips

Beat shortening, sugars, vanilla, water and eggs until light and fluffy. Mix flour with baking soda and salt; blend into shortening mixture. Stir in chips. Drop from a teaspoon 2 inches apart onto greased baking sheets. Bake at 375* until brown, about 10 minutes.

Amazed Again...

I'm one of those people that likes to pray. I pray over everything! One of the things that I try to pray about instead of stress about is money. Although it is much easier to stress than to pray, I try to at least do a little bit of both. Once again, I thought we were in a spot much tighter than what we're really in. God never ceases to amaze me with how He pours His blessings on us. You'd think after a while I'd be used to it and just shut up and not worry about it to begin with, but hey, I'm human.

Sinful Sunday

In our house Sundays (sometimes Saturdays) are the day that we make something delicious that we wouldn't usually make during the week. We call them Sinful Sundays. I've decided to share the recipes after we try them out. Here are the two for this week!

Easy Saucy Meatballs

1 package of frozen meatballs (works best if they're NOT the Italian style, I used two small packages)
1 can of red chili sauce
1/4 cup grape jelly
salt & pepper to taste
1/3 c. of bbq sauce



Mix all ingredients in crock-pot. Cook high 2.5-3 hours or low 6-8 hours. Serve over rice.

Pumpkin Cheesecake

1 1/2 cups graham crackers (crushed)
5 tbs. butter (melted)
1 c. sugar PLUS 1 tbs. sugar
3 8oz. packages of cream cheese
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup canned pumpkin
3 eggs
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1/4 tsp. allspice
whipped cream

1) Preheat oven to 350*
2) Make the crust by combining the graham cracker crumbs with the melted butter and 1 T sugar in a medium bowl
3)Stir well enough to coat all of the crumbs with the butter, but not so much as to turn the mixture into paste.
4) Keep it crumbly
5) Press the crumbs onto the bottom and about two-thirds of the way up the sides of the springform pan.
6) Bake the crust for 5 minutes, then set aside until you are ready to fill it
7) In a large mixing bowl combine the cream cheese, 1 C sugar, and vanilla. Mix until smooth
8) Add the pumpkin, eggs, cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice and continue beating until smooth and creamy.
9) Pour the filling into the pan
10) Bake 60-70 minutes or until top begins to brown
11) Remove from oven and cool at room temperature. When cheesecake reaches room temp chill in refrigerator.
12) When chilled remove sides of pan and serve with generous amount of whipped cream

This turned out great! I can't wait to try some more, goes great with coffee or milk.

Nursery Photos!

I have a few minutes while our "sinful Sunday" dinner is cooking so I thought that I'd post these!

Swing, Bouncer and Car Seat

Crib with his name

Cat in his crib


Hoping to still get some stuff on the walls and get a chair and possibly changing table. I'll post more when we get more!

Good Things About Bedrest...

I'm trying to remain positive! Here is my list of things that God has blessed me with during this time

*Time to do my hair and makeup (from a seated position) each day
*Catching up on TV series from forever ago
*Getting to read a lot of fun books, not school books!
*Getting to email my friends and family during the day
*Hanging out with Mary everyday
*Getting to feel Levi move around all day
*Being home when John gets home
*Enjoying the cooler weather, from the comfort of my couch in pj's and a hoodie :)
*Having time to focus on Him each and everyday
*Working on Mary Kay stuff
*Uploading old pictures
*Cleaning old files off of the computer
*taking pictures of my pets :)
*Not being stressed out/tired/annoyed with work stuff
*Praying
and, most importantly...
*Levi is still inside my belly :)

See, it's not so bad!

Everything Changes...

When we first found out that we were pregnant, people kept telling me how much this baby would change things. I already knew that, to some extent. I really had no idea how much though. We knew from the beginning that Levi was special. He was not somebody that we ever expected to be in our lives, yet he already is. After many doctor's appointments we've learned that he's not just special because God has blessed us with him, but God has made him different than many people, physically. You see, Levi will only have one kidney. This is not something that is life threatening, just different. We'll have to watch some of his activities, he'll probably have to have a surgery as a baby to remove some blockage, and he may have to eat differently as an adult. Nothing we can't handle. Although, the idea of putting my baby through surgery gets me nerve-racked already! We're looking at a lot of doctors appointments in the first few years of his life. His body just doesn't work how you would expect a baby's to work growing inside of mama. Because of both of our bodies being under extra stress, we've had some ups and downs. Last weekend we went into preterm labor at just under 28 weeks. That was scary. After a night in the hospital they got everything slowed down and we're both fine. He was so good and calm through the entire process. Most babies will freak out at some point and their heart rate can drop or skyrocket. Not Levi. He was so constant and calm. He just kept hanging out in my belly, doing what he's supposed to do. I am done working for at least a few weeks at this point though. We need to give him every extra day that we can. God's protecting us in ways that I never dreamed we'd need protection, and I am so grateful. God's giving me this time with my son to learn to calm down and focus on Him before the baby's born. We'll take any extra prayers right now that Levi stays healthy and that I stay calm here at home. We are really trying to keep in mind that we are made strong in our weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Levi's crib in his all painted room! The whole room is this color blue, love it!

Mama at 28 weeks. He's getting big and strong quickly! I can feel it more and more each day!

Happy Birthday, Kellie

I know that a few months ago you read my post about my cousin. Kellie. In February her and her husband, James lost their baby girl to SIDS. Today is Kellie's birthday. Her wish this year is to have Maddie back in her arms. Since that can't happen, her wish is for everyone to take a moment to remember Maddie. I'm passing this wish along. Please take a moment to pray for this strong Mama and her precious angel watching over her. Remember a smiling Maddie in a big bow today, for Kellie. Happy Birthday, Kellie.

Nursery!

Okay, so last weekend we spent some time priming the nursery. It was an UGLY pea green, so we wanted to paint it blue or something. This weekend we got it all painted. It is BLUE for sure! I love it. John already took a nap in there, he says that it's perfect sleeping color. The cats are most of why we had to paint so early, they're really old and freak out with change. We also got Levi's name on the wall and the crib set up. I am very excited. Now I feel like it's just a hurry up and wait until he gets here. We have another appointment on Wednesday, and we'll find out for sure about the kidney's. At this point, it still looks like only one. On another note, I do not think that Levi will be good at sitting still in church. Today during church he was great, until the sermon started. Then he started kicking me like crazy until it was over! Maybe everybody's right, I'll be getting payback for all of the antics I pulled in church as a kid. We're in trouble then!

I've been wanting potato soup so badly! I had some a week or so ago, and haven't stopped thinking about it! Tonight, John and I made it for dinner! It was wonderful! It hit the spot. It does make me anxious for fall though. I cannot wait for comfort food all the time. Any good recipes anybody has, please share them. We love crock-pot cooking during the winter. Last year our thing was Crock Pot and Beer Night on Fridays. We had some great (and not so great) inventions coming out of our crock pot! Well, hope that everybody survives the remainder of the summer.

Nursery pictures to come soon!

Letter to Levi- 25 Weeks

Dear Levi,

You have a name now :) Your dad picked Levi. He picked that because in Numbers God consecrates the Levites to be Aaron's helpers as the priests. One duty that they also acquired was being the church musicians. That is perfect for your dad. He is one of the most gifted musicians that I have ever met. I know that over the next few years he'll spend lots and lots of time playing and singing for you.
You are getting so big. I can feel more of your kicks and rolls. Last time the doctor saw you on the sonogram, she had to comment on how big your feet were! Chances are, you'll be tall like your dad. That's good. His height was one of the first things that I noticed about him.
We only have about 15 more weeks like this. Where I get to spend most of my day feeling you kick and roll. I'm going to miss that. I like knowing that you're all safe and sound in my tummy. I cannot wait to meet you though. Your dad is getting excited too. Hopefully this weekend we'll start getting your room all ready for you. I want it to be perfect when you come home.

I love you.

Love,
Mama

One Big Foot :)

Little Levi

You Kicked Me!

Dear Baby,
For the first time today you kicked me, and hard! I have felt you stretch and roll and settle into place, but today was a first. At first, when you kicked, I was so surprised that I jumped. Then, I couldn't stop laughing. I was so thrilled that your tiny legs were growing strong enough to make your presence known.
I dreamt about your feet this weekend. I could see your little foot through my stomach. I tickled your tiny toes and you quickly pulled your foot back in. What's odd about my experience being kicked today, and that dream, is that in both situations I had the same reaction. At first, shocked, then just overcome with delight!
This week marks week 20 in this pregnancy with you, that means we're halfway done. I'm so excited that I get to meet you soon, but also slightly terrified. Right now, I can keep you safe and warm, inside of me. Soon, I'll have to do the very best I can keeping you safe outside of me. The good news is, you have the very best dad, family, and friends that already love you and are excited to help me keep you safe.
Well, keep moving in there, I can't wait to feel it again. I love you, so much.

Love,
Mama

18 weeks- letter to baby

Dear Baby,

I love you more now than I did before. On Friday I went to the doctor and had a sonogram. They had to look at a lot of different stuff, so I got to spend a lot of time watching you. I loved you before, but that was the first time I could see your fingers and toes. That was the first time I could see how long your legs are. That was the first time I could see you move around, something I had only felt before.

We had a lot of measurements to take while we were there. You were so stubborn! If she needed to look at your front, you crossed your arms. If they needed to look at the back, you chose that moment to stretch. She was getting so frustrated with you! I couldn't help but laugh. In just that short hour I already could see so much of your father and I in you! You'll quickly learn that we never sit still for long. After watching you do the same, I loved you even more.

In just three short weeks we find out if you are a boy or a girl. Let me tell you, I couldn't care less. You're ours, and that's all that matters. I know you still have a lot of growing to do, so I won't get to see you for another 22 weeks, but just know, I'm longing to feel your touch and hold you in my arms. I love you, so much.

Love,
Mom

It's been a while

Since I've been on here! So much has changed over the past month or so. The baby is growing, fast and doing great! Baby has also brought some unwelcome changes. The past few days I have hurting so badly when I roll over to sleep at night and when I'm in the car and pretty much all the time. I was certian that it was because something was wrong with the baby. Today I called the doctor and come to find out, the baby is fine! The reason that I hurt so bad is because my ligaments are tearing and stretching and my ribs are moving. OW! She called that good news! Bad news is, I'm not staying hydrated enough and my blood sugar isn't doing what it's supposed to. The rest of the summer is going to be a much quieter one for us, I believe. We had trips planned the next three weekends, but we're going to change those and only do one. We're headed to Houston for the 4th! Relay for Life, I can't stay all night, but I can go for a little bit. Past that, it's just going to be a lot of not doing everything that I used to be able to do.

Promise an update on summer so far is coming soon.

My Best Friend

If you know me then you know that I don't keep many close friends. I find it to be exhausting and a waste of time. I can't keep up with that many people at once, and I get bored easily. There is one friend though, that despite these things, has stuck by me, even when I didn't deserve it. If you have ever met my best friend, you know just from looking at us that we are complete opposites! Kelsey is tall and thin, and I'm not. I'm loud and outgoing, Kels is quiet and reserved. I have blond hair, she has brown hair. That's just the beginning of our differences. Somehow though, we were brought together close to 6 years ago. It wasn't because we were so much alike, or because we had all of the same classes, we just were. Our friendship was not how you would expect a friendship to be in the beginning. Our friendship was built off of a mutual friend moving. Odd, right? Between the reminiscing about our times with him, running to class, and meeting other friends, I found my best friend. Kelsey has been there for me through most of my major adult life events. She was there when I met and started dating John, got engaged, moved to Texas, moved back to Kansas, when Mary left for boot camp and Afghanistan, getting married, and now Baby Eskimo. In six years we've been through weddings, funerals, graduations, new jobs, loss of jobs and so much more. Tonight I got to spend some much needed quality time with her. As we were walking and talking I thought about everything we've been through in 6 short years and I realized that God has given me our friendship as a gift. I've gotten the privilege of watching her go from a shy timid college freshman to a knowledgeable and respected teacher. The transformation that took place over one summer of camp together was amazing. The way I got to see her heart and life change when she met Adam, her husband was astonishing. To know how much she loves her friends and family is inspiring. I am so thankful for Kels and everyday that I know she's right there with me, ready to laugh, cry, pray and rejoice. I'm thankful that she'll be around when Baby Eskimo's born and that it will get to know her light and joy as well. God gave me her to be a strong, Christian woman that I can rely on. I can go to her no matter what the problem, or the time of day. God knew that despite everything going on in my life, I would need a constant. I was given someone who possessed many of the traits I have yet to acquire, someone that I could learn from. I'm thankful that for all of our differences, there's something that binds us together. I'm thankful for Kelsey.

Me and Kelsey

Birthday Week!

In our family the last week of November has always been a big one. Dad's birthday is November 26, my sister, Mary, has her birthday November 27. I'm November 28. Growing up that was birthday week! It was the biggest (and best) week of the year in our house. I'd always joked that one day we would take up the entire week with birthdays, as it turned out when I got to college my best friend, Kelsey's birthday is November 29. Woohoo! Today when I went to see the doctor she said that we were definitely looking at a December 4th due date. I sighed a little and she asked why. I explained birthday week to her and told her that I was kind of hoping that this little guy's birthday would be part of birthday week. She looked at her calendar and told me that the 29th was okay, and that we could schedule induction on November 29 so that baby can be a part of birthday week! I am pretty excited! It will be so fun to share that week with my baby. We'll have 4 full days of family birthdays :) I know it doesn't seem like much, but it means a lot to me and to my family. So excited!

Presents

My sister's got me baby presents! They got me a lot of really useful stuff, and then also some fun stuff! Since we don't know what we're having yet, one sister got me a bag of boy clothes and one a bag of girl clothes. These were my favorite items, the girls know what's important!

I never thought that I'd be one to get excited over baby stuff, yet here it is, happening to me too!

***Wear pink tomorrow in memory of Maddie, it's Spring for SIDS day***

Easter Wrap Up and A Day Off!

Tomorrow! I have a day off! I used to get a day off every other week, because I would work Saturdays. Lately I haven't had to work many Saturdays so I haven't had days off. I miss my days off but I also have been enjoying my Saturdays. Tomorrow I have a day off for the first time in weeks. I feel as though it is much needed. With John working during the day I'll hopefully get more accomplished tomorrow than I would if I had John to hang out with all day! I don't want to set unreal expectations for tomorrow, but I know that I need to set some goals nonetheless. I'm hoping to get the kitchen mostly cleaned, our bedroom vacuumed and shampoo the carpets, clean both bathrooms and finish laundry. That shouldn't take too long. I also need to go on a walk or workout or something, and hopefully I'll get some research on baby stuff done as well. I know that before I've mentioned that I had a cousin who's 4 month old died from SIDS, I want to know more. I want to try to understand this terrible disease. I like to know as much information about something as possible, and I feel like maybe, if I know more, I can prevent it from happening. I know that's not true, but I figure that it's worth a shot. My cousin, Kellie, blogs almost daily about her and her husband, James' struggle to find "a new normal". I think each time that I read it I cry. No parent should have to go through this. I know that I need to learn more about SIDS, especially as an expectant parent, but I wish that it wasn't through the hard lesson from my family. Please, when you have time, pray for Kellie and James this week. They're in a really tough spot that only God can see them through.

On another note, this past weekend John and I went to Oklahoma to celebrate Easter with his family. We had such a good time! Mary went down with us on Friday night and on Saturday Mary, my SIL, Allison and I went to Stillwater to go shopping. It was nice to get to hang out with both of them at once! I have a lot of fun with Allison and Mary and was glad that they finally got to meet. I also got to just hang out and talk with my other SIL Kassi. She's one of the only people that understands some of the struggles that I face in my life. I am so thankful that God put her and Allison in my life to help me through tough times. They have both been very helpful on this baby stuff, and many other things! This weekend was a busy one! On Sunday (Easter) my goddaughter, Scout was baptized! I love baptisms, always have. This one was different because It was MY goddaughter. I got to hold her as she was being baptized and WOW. That was amazing. I also got to just hold her and be with her during church and it was such a great feeling to just hang out with her and feel her breathe. It was one of the most peaceful things that I've ever felt. And, she's beautiful. I lover her SO much already and it made me a little less nervous for this little guy (or girl) growing inside of me!

PRAYING FOR THIS WEEK
* Kellie and James
* Healthy pregnancy
* Good weather and a safe OKC Marathon this weekend
* Safe travels for Mary this weekend as she moves up here
* Couples who are getting married this summer

8 and good!

We're right around 8 weeks now, give or take a few days, and doing great! The only thing that we're having problems with is food staying in my stomach! I dislike that part, but figure that I can handle it for another 4 or so weeks. I feel kind of useless at this point. I don't really have anything that I can be doing for this little baby right now. All I do is hang out and let it grow! I feel like I should be planning more, or doing something. People keep asking me if I've bought anything yet. Well, no. What should I be buying? Any advice from all you moms would be great!

3rd Monday in a Row...

Today was the third Monday in a row. Is one not enough anymore?!?!?!? It was such a long day, at home and at work.
Day starts with cat waking me up at 4:45 when John gets up, mind you, I don't have to be up until 8:45.
Get back to sleep, get up, feeling sick, get ready for work, force down breakfast, still feeling sick.
Have someone tell me to quit focusing on my kid that's coming and focus on my career, that's what's really important.
Take a deep breath and get into work.
Still feeling sick.
Work through the morning, have a 20 minute meeting with one of my bosses about how I've been distracted lately and I need to focus, and everything will be okay.
Get to lunch.
Call my sister just to vent, and instead get yelled at for something out of the blue.
Get a nasty email from my other sister.
Eat lunch
Get sick.
Call first sister again, still upset.
Get another nasty email
Get sick
Go back to work.
Work through the afternoon, until I find a kid that I'm suspecting for check fraud. Turns out it was over $1000 of check fraud in 3 days. Call person checks were stolen from and inform them. Call the police. File police report, talk to cop for over an hour.
Get commended for finding the checks. Get written up for being over my threshold of cash differences for March.
Get sick.
Finish afternoon and start closing, go to put away coin, everything is wrong. Spend 45 minutes trying to figure it out before deciding that this isn't my problem and I'm going home.
Go get nails done.
Go to church
See John
Get sick
Eat dinner
Watch TV
Get sick
Get ANOTHER nasty email.
Get sick.
Going to bed.

Baby Eskimo

Today we got our first picture of our little baby!

It was very exciting! I could see it's heartbeat, and how it was just all tucked in and cozy in there. John was not able to go, due to work, but he was so excited to see it when I got home! It made me feel a lot better seeing the heartbeat and knowing that it was strong, knowing that the baby was safe. I'm so glad that God has blessed us with this baby. For a couple who didn't think they were going to have kids, this is huge. Also, there's only one :-) There was concern for a while that there may have been more than one, so just one is good. I am so nervous and excited! As of now, due date is December 4. Pushed it back a few days, but that's okay. I'm still going to shoot for November 29 :). John has decided that right now the ultrasounds look like Eskimo's with the baby being the face, so he's been calling it "Eskimo" all day long. I think it's stuck. I like the idea of it being all tucked in there though. Also good news, blood sugar levels have stabilized, so that's a huge blessing right now. Very excited, and I will try to keep people updated on the adventures of Baby Eskimo.

One

What a powerful number! It begins our counting system, it defines the number of Gods we have, and it's how long John and I have been married now! It has been such a great year. We have faced a lot of challenges but I know that at the end of it, we've laughed more than we've cried and we've lived more than we've regreted. I am so lucky to have been blessed with John! To celebrate our anniversary we spent the weekend in Omaha! It was a nice little get away. We got to go to the zoo, see some family and friends, and just enjoy our time together! So here's to the next year, may it be as wonderful as the first!

Just because I love you...

Doesn't mean I have to like you right now. We've all heard it before. We've been there, on both sides of it. What do we do when we feel that way about ourselves? When we feel as though, I'm stuck with you so let's make the best of it. That is not what God has intended for us. God has made us for more. God has made us to be always loved, and always liked. Now, I'm just a Jesus girl who struggles with the feeling of being disliked everyday. What do we do with those feelings? Do we go buy a new pair of shoes? Do we sit in our closet and cry? Or, are you like me, do you go to the nearest fast food joint and pick up a coke and fries? Well, that is not what God intended for us to do. God loves us unconditionally. God created us, perfectly in His image. When we sit and wallow in what rude comment was directed at us that day, we are showing God that what He thinks is not as important as what the girl at work thinks. This Lent I am challenging myself to turn to God in those moments, instead of turning to food. Instead of dwelling on what was said or done to me, praising my Creator that he made me like this, so perfectly in His image.

Weekend Made to Crave and Day 6

Made it through the weekend! I made it through pretty well, actually. One of the chapters in the book talks about relying on God's strength, not our own. When we rely on our own strength we will fail ourselves, it's happened before, and it will happen again. One of the verses that is linked to this idea is 2 Corinthians 12:9-11, “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness… For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Made to Crave: Day 2

Today was not a good day. I let food consume me, again. This is going to be hard. I'm going to spend some time in the book and the Word tonight and hope I am stronger tomorrow. I'm sorry for being a disappointment today.

Day 1: Goals

Yesterday was Day 1 of Made to Crave, my journey. I'll try to write each night, if not, the morning after. Yesterday I set my goals for the next 30 days.
1) Read my Bible Daily
2) Learn to glorify God with the choices I make about my body
3) Consume food, don't let it consume me.
4) Grow closer to God

Ways to achieve these goals are going to be changing as I am on this journey. Today one of the biggest things to do is going to be to pray when I am tempted by unhealthy food choices. I need to turn to God instead of to food. I know that today will be filled with good choices that will help me change my habits! God has given me this body so that I can do His work here on earth, if I don't take care of it, who will?

30 Day Made to Crave

John gave me a book about a month ago called Made to Crave. When I first read the description of the book, I was angry. I was upset that my husband thought that I needed this. Then, as I read the book I was filled with God's presence and I knew that God had led John to buy me this book, and I was thankful. After finding out everything the last week at the doctor and now that I'm hopefully on medicine that will let my body lose weight, I'm laying down all of the excuses and starting my journey with Jesus. So to help hold myself accountable, each day I'm going to blog on here about how God has used my struggle with food to bring me closer to Him.

Family...

Lately a lot of my life, more than normal has revolved around family. I don't mean this in the sense of just John and I, but in the sense of my entire family, John's family, and the idea of family. These past two weeks we have had joy, tragedy, and hope in our family. Before I tell you about our week, let me tell you about our family. John and I come from two very spectacular families. They are both very different in their own ways, but amazing just the same. John comes from a family where everyone is close and gets together whenever they can, I come from a family where I was the first one to move away, so it's strange for my family to have someone that they can only talk to on the phone.

When John and I started becoming serious about each other there was one thing that was so clear for both of us, we wanted a big family. We set a "rule" for ourselves of a 3 kid minimum and a 7 kid maximum. We figured that God would bless us with the family that we needed, no matter what. Once we got married we honed in on this prayer for a large family even more. We tried for a while, then came to the conclusion that God will provide for us. After a few more months we got curious, what was wrong with us? I then realized that the problem was not "us" but "me". My body wasn't going to function well enough in the right ways to ever give us a child. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago to have this confirmed. Come to find out, my body will work. The damage is reparable. They ran a bunch of tests and found out that I had three different problems that were preventing us from having kids, the most daunting being Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This has been the cause of quite a few problems. It is part of the reason that I don't lose weight very well and it's contributed to a pre-diabetic situation in my body as well. Finding out that we will be able to have kids was the biggest relief that I have felt in years.

On the other side of things, on February 17 my cousin and her husband lost their sweet angel, Maddie. Jesus called 4-month old Maddie home to be with Him. They lost their princess to what was presumably SIDS. My cousin and I aren't close, we're actually second cousins, but a loss is a loss and we've all felt it. As I've sat with the joy in my heart over the prospect of one day having a child I also sit with a heavy heart knowing that my family had to bury one of our own this week. A baby. I wonder why God called Maddie home. Out of all of us, he chose the baby. She had more of a right than any of us to be here, but He wanted her. Everyone out there reading this, whether you know me, or them or neither, please just pray for them. Pray for Kellie and James. Pray that God finds a way to heal these broken hearts. Pray that He finds a way to give these parents peace and understanding, that only he can give. Tonight as you tuck your kids in, or cuddle up next to your husband hold them extra tight. Thank the Lord that you have them. What you have now is exactly what you need.

After this week my heart is torn. I have to make life changes. I have to become a better person for my family. All of them. God blessed me with a great family and has shown me that they aren't to be taken for granted.

It's been a while...

Since posting on here! Things have been so busy! We had the holidays, of course. For us that always involves a lot of traveling. For Thanksgiving we were at my folks' in Houston, then in the beginning of December in Omaha for John's big family Christmas, then in Oklahoma with John's folks for Christmas day. It was such a blessing to see everyone at the holidays! I'm down to just working at the bank during the week, and the YMCA and Coffee Club on the weekends. I like that schedule MUCH better than the past month or so's. John got a job working for a company called RGIS, they do Inventory Audits across central Kansas. So far, he really enjoys it. Today, I'm at work at the Coffee Club and John's building new kitchen cabinets! I am very excited to see what they will look like when they're done! Our whole kitchen is going to be redone, so hopefully I'll be able to post pictures soon. We are keeping our old appliances, because they still work. This week we got a lot of snow and ice. Now that it's all starting to melt it makes driving much easier, although we are supposed to get more on Sunday. I'm also reading a book right now called Made to Crave. If you are someone that struggles with an addiction to food, I highly recommend it. It has totally changed my relationship with God, and how I view food. Realized today, we've almost been married a year! WOW! Enjoy Winter!