Lately a lot of my life, more than normal has revolved around family. I don't mean this in the sense of just John and I, but in the sense of my entire family, John's family, and the idea of family. These past two weeks we have had joy, tragedy, and hope in our family. Before I tell you about our week, let me tell you about our family. John and I come from two very spectacular families. They are both very different in their own ways, but amazing just the same. John comes from a family where everyone is close and gets together whenever they can, I come from a family where I was the first one to move away, so it's strange for my family to have someone that they can only talk to on the phone.
When John and I started becoming serious about each other there was one thing that was so clear for both of us, we wanted a big family. We set a "rule" for ourselves of a 3 kid minimum and a 7 kid maximum. We figured that God would bless us with the family that we needed, no matter what. Once we got married we honed in on this prayer for a large family even more. We tried for a while, then came to the conclusion that God will provide for us. After a few more months we got curious, what was wrong with us? I then realized that the problem was not "us" but "me". My body wasn't going to function well enough in the right ways to ever give us a child. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago to have this confirmed. Come to find out, my body will work. The damage is reparable. They ran a bunch of tests and found out that I had three different problems that were preventing us from having kids, the most daunting being Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This has been the cause of quite a few problems. It is part of the reason that I don't lose weight very well and it's contributed to a pre-diabetic situation in my body as well. Finding out that we will be able to have kids was the biggest relief that I have felt in years.
On the other side of things, on February 17 my cousin and her husband lost their sweet angel, Maddie. Jesus called 4-month old Maddie home to be with Him. They lost their princess to what was presumably SIDS. My cousin and I aren't close, we're actually second cousins, but a loss is a loss and we've all felt it. As I've sat with the joy in my heart over the prospect of one day having a child I also sit with a heavy heart knowing that my family had to bury one of our own this week. A baby. I wonder why God called Maddie home. Out of all of us, he chose the baby. She had more of a right than any of us to be here, but He wanted her. Everyone out there reading this, whether you know me, or them or neither, please just pray for them. Pray for Kellie and James. Pray that God finds a way to heal these broken hearts. Pray that He finds a way to give these parents peace and understanding, that only he can give. Tonight as you tuck your kids in, or cuddle up next to your husband hold them extra tight. Thank the Lord that you have them. What you have now is exactly what you need.
After this week my heart is torn. I have to make life changes. I have to become a better person for my family. All of them. God blessed me with a great family and has shown me that they aren't to be taken for granted.