But once they actually say it...

We've known in the back of our minds that at some point Levi will have to have a new kidney. How far off was always the question. A big part of me thought that maybe once he got here, the damage to his kidney would be less than anticipated, and we could wait a good 15-20 years before we had to look at transplant. Today the APRN at the hospital actually said the words "kidney transplant" out loud. Well that changes everything. Now it's a reality. We're still looking at a couple of years down the road, as his body will have to be big enough for an adult sized kidney. We will probably have months, or years of dialysis before transplant. I realize that kidney transplants are one of the easiest, most routine things to do, but forgive me for not being excited about it.

I hate the fact that my baby is sick. I hate that he'll never get to play football or baseball. I hate that he'll be on medicine for the rest of his life. I hate the fact that all of my organs work just fine, and I've used and abused most of them, and my baby, who should be perfect, was born with his organs fighting against each other. I hate that I can protect him from so much, except for his own body. I hate that I feel like a bad mother for this.

I really wish that we were at home, decorating the Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music, going to the mall to shop and walk, getting ready to head back to work. I wish that our sense of normality and routine did not involve a hospital. I wish that my friends were the ones that we were spending time with, the ones that were getting to know him, instead of a team of doctors and nurses.

I'm thankful that we have all of this. That we're in a place that can give him this care. I'm glad that there's something that they can do, even if it's just to make him more comfortable. I know that God is protecting Levi and watching over him, and us, and I'm grateful for that.

Christmas Traditions...

As I sit here on the 19th of December, I feel quite weird. I'm in Kansas. Just a few days from Christmas. The thing that seems odd about this is that I've never been away from home this close to Christmas. As John and I prepare for marriage we begin forming our own Christmas traditions. Some of them are silly, such as cutting out snowflakes, not using things that have santa on them, putting up Christmas lights. Others are more serious, decorate and choose the tree together, purchase gifts that mean something to other people, not just more useless junk, buy the minimum amount of gifts needed. Making peppermint bark together, having dinner together, attend midnight mass, go Christmas light looking. Right now it's just the two of us, so a lot of these things are together things. Things for the two of us. Then there are things that are for everyone, visit some of the older people from church, be assisting ministers during the holiday season, call our family more. I'm lucky I got him. Even on the days when I wonder how this is going to work, I'm thankful for a wonderful, gracious God, and a fiance that's the same. The unconditional love that is exhibited towards me is amazing.

Any Christmas traditions anyone cares to share?





Jesus is the Reason for the Season!

"...and they will call him Immanuel"--which means, "God with us."
Matthew 23:1